Unfinished awakening - help needed

[Violette]

Hello,

my name is Violette and I believe that I was born a vampire. Eleven years ago I went through awakening, I am sure it was it. But I never got to the end of it – or at least I think so. Maybe you are asking how that is possible and I do not have the answer. Please understand that I was thirteen when it all started and I was so scared. Coming of age is never too easy and I was so afraid of losing my parents and friends so I rather lost myself. I remember the moment when I willingly decided that I want to be human, I want to have human life and age like human being. (I have no illusion about immortal vampires. However, during the awakening I had this feeling of perfect stillness, I felt like I was frozen in time.) I did not know the horrid consequences of my decision back then.

After all the time I still think about it, I regret it and I feel so much guilt for my decision. I am able to survive and live like a human being but I am roaming the world blind and deaf. Sometimes I have these cravings for blood and energy, it is like an addict without theirs dose. I am eating human food but it seems to be a poor replacement. It took me a while to see vampyrism as spiritual path of sort. But I have missed the one that was “destined” to me. No matter what I do I have this strong feeling that I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be who I am now. As if I was not born for this path.
You may think that I am a happy person when I could “cure” my vampyrism but believe me, this is far from being cured. I tried to forget, I tried to fight it, I tried to live normal life but those feelings just keep coming back and I need help. So if you know how I may start living like my true self or how to walk the right path I would very much appreciate your help.
If you want to communicate privately here is my email: [e-mail]. I am based in Czechia/Slovakia (I wonder if anyone is around?). Also English is not my mother language so please excuse a mistake or two in the text.
Best wishes,
Violette